Give it a rest, ye merry gentlemen : an introduction / P.J. O'Rourke --
Why I love Christmas / John Waters --
A fruitcake theory / Calvin Trillin --
Home for the holidays : a survivor's frightening account / Chris Radant --
'Tis the season for halitosis / Jonathan Ames --
The Christmas party & how to mix a Christmas wassail / Corey Ford --
The Madonna of turkey season / Jay McInerney --
Two Thanksgiving poems / Billy Collins --
Susie's letter from Santa / Mark Twain --
A Christmas spectacle / Robert C. Benchley --
Waiting for santy : a Christmas playlet / S.J. Perelman --
Xmas words / Roy Blount Jr. --
Christmas carol / Lewis Lapham --
Two selections from I hate Christmas / Daniel Blythe --
The terrible fourth day of Christmas / Scott Horton --
Selections from Mercurius religiosus : faithfully communicating to the whole nation, the vanity of Christmas / Anonymous --
Christmas shopping : a survivor's guide / Dave Barry --
Santa responds / Santa Claus --
The compleat shopper : George Plimpton's guide to gift giving / George Plimpton --
Merry Christmas / James Thurber --
Christmas is a sad season for the poor / John Cheever --
Christmas dreams and cruel memories / Hunter S. Thompson --
Against winter / Charles Simic --
Christmas Freud / David Rakoff --
Women / Charles Bukowski --
The truth about Santa (an apocalyptic holiday tale) / Greg Kotis --
Ceremonies that have not recrudesced because we never succeeded in getting rid of them in the first place / P.J. O'Rourke --
Last last chance / Fiona Maazel --
Oh, Christmas tree / Augusten Burroughs --
Keeping Christmas in your heart all year long / Alysia Gray Painter --
Christmas means giving / David Sedaris.